Boyfriends
I think I'll retire the roster
“Candy needs to have two husbands and three boyfriends at all times,” a friend of mine joked, not entirely joking.
The “husbands,” are in the form of my two major exes. I technically only married one of them but I had a baby with the other, so they are pretty equally ranked in the …
“Candy’s Boyfriends Club.”
I keep them in my collection because they’re my family now; platonic, like brothers, except when I occasionally flash them my tits.
We’ve formed our own wabi-sabi support system to raise that child to the best of our abilities. This parenting business is no joke, the more hands on deck the better. It’s incredibly important to me that my son has a great relationship with his dad (and step-dad), which he does. Almost too good. Lately, he has much preferred his father over me and frankly, I find that fucking annoying.
As for the three boyfriends, well … this is tad trickier to explain. They weren’t all my boyfriend at the same time, none of them were ever really my boyfriend at all.
Just a roster of men that would float in and out of my life and my DMs depending on the season or their reason. If ever one dropped out of the rotation, a new man would inevitably appear.
Rarely would our “relationship” ever made it out of the chat, but it was nice to have someone to text. This might sound like a brag, but it’s basically unheard of for me to go a week, three days even, without a man texting me “Good morning, gorgeous.” There’s a comfort in knowing I’m not alone but there’s a bigger comfort in knowing these will only ever be surface level connections.
Commitment to me is confinement. Confinement to me is claustrophobic. Claustrophobia to me is crushing.
See where I’m headed here; but if I can keep all the doors and windows open, if I know I can escape … I can breathe.
You’d think a person like me would prefer zero husbands/zero boyfriends, but that’s not true. I need the team to keep me in compliments and prohibit me from accidentally tripping and falling into a real life relationship.
What kind of man would date a girl whose best friends are her exes? A girl who has a bunch of men confessing their love for her on the internet? What kind of man would want to date … me?
What’s that Groucho Marx quote?
“I don’t want to be a member of any club that would accept me as a member.”
There is this deep rooted belief that I am not good enough to be loved. Even though I know we all need, not just want, need to be loved.
I’ve found a work around, a way to get micro doses of love here and there.
These little romances have kept me afloat (and single) for the past decade. I’ve never shown up for them fully; nobody gets to take a look under the hood. There is a freedom when you don’t let yourself be seen, you can be whoever you want.
This worked for me for a very long time, until it didn’t.
The high wasn’t hitting anymore. I didn’t get the dopamine rush when my phone dinged with the same “Good morning, gorgeous.” text that had fed me for so long.
Instead of entertaining me, these conversations started draining me.
They couldn’t validate me as someone worth loving because only I could do that.
One by one, over the years, I have let go of my security blanket boyfriends.
I’ve kept the husbands though, they’re stuck with me forever now.
Don’t get me wrong, I will still call every man I interact with throughout my day “my boyfriend,” because that’s how I roll, but until I am ready to risk being seen and possibly even (gasp!) loved … I think I’ll retire the roster.
Love your attitude! I understand completely. ❤️🔥❤️🔥
i think your core is more than enough to sustain you, at least until Collum goes to college. (i will always be here CD)