Holly, thank you for reading and for this beautiful comment. Life is always showing up in the margins, the grey areas, the squidgy edges. I’m so grateful to have people here showing up in the same ways, to learn without judgement ♥️
Ah, the Famous Uck-fay Ace-fay, hereafter known as F3. Glad it’s done and that you’re forgiving yourself and everyone who’s ever even thought about it. Mazel Tov.
When I was a little more reckless (and before I was married) I was the wrecking ball for one marriage and one live-in relationship. In both cases I was told “we’re already separating/roommates” and in both cases dude had no idea. I was younger, more impulsive/destructive and would be lying if I said there wasn’t a thrill to it, and there is something exciting (and also stressful) about knowing the guy knows who you are and having to watch your back everywhere you go, etc.
But once I grew as a person I stopped attracting these types. It’s like the lesson kept presenting itself until I figured it out, and I’m a slow learner.
Ahhh ya also a slow learner here ♥️ thank you for sharing this. It’s definitely a common situation that isn’t at the forefront of what we want to admit to. I know I attract what I feel I deserve and when it’s someone giving me scraps I feel safer there than risking the chance of being fully seen by a partner. Life is wild. I love having these conversations.
Same! I have zero shame about any of it and don’t care what people think in terms of social acceptability so I’m an open book about it. It’s all learning. I think some of that is the joy of torturing ourselves with the idea of what someone *could be* to us. But then if we actually had them we’d get bored. The human mind is fascinating in that way.
Yes exactly this! Part of the fun for me was filling in the blanks with my own imagination. You can’t do that if the person is available and next to you. You have to see them fully, warts and all. Which of course is in fact the real fun of life. Knowing people not imagining them.
What’s funny is that we start with a fake version of them, get closer (though we can never fully know anyone as they are, just as we can never fully know ourselves either, which is the beauty of this world) to a realer version of them (during the relationship) and then when we break up with them we also end up with a distorted version of who they are. It’s so fascinating and beautiful and terrifying all in one. Human perception.
I’ve had an emotional affair before. It’s something I wish I could go back and not do. The thing I will always remember is the hurt I put my wife through. I’m grateful she’s given me a second chance and I will do my damndest to never mess it up again.
Thank you for sharing that. For what it’s worth, I believe deeply that you are one of the best guys I know. Being able to admit that, fix that, and move forward in a more intentional way is a strength many people do not possess. We all stumble. The way you’re showing up now is what matters ♥️
C - i’ve been needing to cry about a heartbreak (that word doesn’t even begin to describe it) since February, but just couldn't make the tears come. (Even therapista told me I gotta uncork that shit.) so congratulations on dynamiting that dam for me. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
"If you want to live a miserable life — fall in love with someone that refuses to be with you."
My heart was pounding reading this. Seven years here too, though he wasn't married. But still he couldn't do it, couldn't decide, couldn't commit. I forgive myself and I forgive him. I can't live hating someone I loved so much. I totally get this piece. It's brave to forgive because hating is so much easier I believe.
Ahhh Patty, yes we are so on the same page here. I honestly think because I could tell myself “he’s married, he’s staying for the kid,” etc. it somehow softened the blow. Which if that was softer, phew I don’t know. But the truth was if he had wanted to, or loved me in the way he promised to, he would have done everything he could to be with me. It’s such a hard fucking pill to swallow. I’m sorry you went through that. Now we know not to chase someone who’s not choosing us ♥️
Love you, girl. Mine took a different turn and he was an absolute monster until I finally broke free. Still, I feel this so deeply. So much rings true.
All of this is so true. Especially, “If you want to live a miserable life — fall in love with someone that refuses to be with you. If you want to never feel good enough — date a married man. If you want to be lonelier than you’ve ever been — be the other woman.” ❤️🩷❤️🩷
I never went down this path, but when the option unexpectedly arose, the decision not to was far more complicated than I had ever expected, and I can’t lay judgment on anybody who chose differently. Ultimately I couldn’t see any way it might turn out without hurting everybody, including myself.
One of my friends has just ended, (we hope) 7 years of waiting for her married man to choose her. Everyone that knew about it was very quick to blame her - but if you saw the messages coming from the other side it wasn’t as cut and dried as ‘she’s a homewrecker’. She was given a lot of hope to hold onto as well.
I read this with a heavy heart because I’ve been in a similar situation. And after our tumultuous beginnings, after all the smoke cleared, the relationship was doomed. You never stop thinking, if they did it before, why wouldn’t they do it again.🫣 Sometimes when we are so focused on the things we can’t have, we miss or pass up on the things we can have, that are staring us in the face! I hope you find your happiness in whatever capacity that may be!🥲😜🐛
Relationships are complicated and people are complex. It is rarely black and white.
I learned a long time ago to never judge anyone unless you’ve walked exactly in their shoes (which you never will).
May this relationship be a mirror for what you need to learn and see.
You are so worth of love. Sending it to you.
Holly, thank you for reading and for this beautiful comment. Life is always showing up in the margins, the grey areas, the squidgy edges. I’m so grateful to have people here showing up in the same ways, to learn without judgement ♥️
Ah, the Famous Uck-fay Ace-fay, hereafter known as F3. Glad it’s done and that you’re forgiving yourself and everyone who’s ever even thought about it. Mazel Tov.
When I was a little more reckless (and before I was married) I was the wrecking ball for one marriage and one live-in relationship. In both cases I was told “we’re already separating/roommates” and in both cases dude had no idea. I was younger, more impulsive/destructive and would be lying if I said there wasn’t a thrill to it, and there is something exciting (and also stressful) about knowing the guy knows who you are and having to watch your back everywhere you go, etc.
But once I grew as a person I stopped attracting these types. It’s like the lesson kept presenting itself until I figured it out, and I’m a slow learner.
Ahhh ya also a slow learner here ♥️ thank you for sharing this. It’s definitely a common situation that isn’t at the forefront of what we want to admit to. I know I attract what I feel I deserve and when it’s someone giving me scraps I feel safer there than risking the chance of being fully seen by a partner. Life is wild. I love having these conversations.
Same! I have zero shame about any of it and don’t care what people think in terms of social acceptability so I’m an open book about it. It’s all learning. I think some of that is the joy of torturing ourselves with the idea of what someone *could be* to us. But then if we actually had them we’d get bored. The human mind is fascinating in that way.
Yes exactly this! Part of the fun for me was filling in the blanks with my own imagination. You can’t do that if the person is available and next to you. You have to see them fully, warts and all. Which of course is in fact the real fun of life. Knowing people not imagining them.
What’s funny is that we start with a fake version of them, get closer (though we can never fully know anyone as they are, just as we can never fully know ourselves either, which is the beauty of this world) to a realer version of them (during the relationship) and then when we break up with them we also end up with a distorted version of who they are. It’s so fascinating and beautiful and terrifying all in one. Human perception.
CD. i am consistently impressed with your bravery, honesty, and intelligence. lovely to see you writing and (beautifully) exposing yourself again.
Love you, CK! I owe a debt of gratitude to you for all your support. Will forever be showing up, tits out (metaphorically) here for you 😘
I’ve had an emotional affair before. It’s something I wish I could go back and not do. The thing I will always remember is the hurt I put my wife through. I’m grateful she’s given me a second chance and I will do my damndest to never mess it up again.
Thank you for sharing that. For what it’s worth, I believe deeply that you are one of the best guys I know. Being able to admit that, fix that, and move forward in a more intentional way is a strength many people do not possess. We all stumble. The way you’re showing up now is what matters ♥️
C - i’ve been needing to cry about a heartbreak (that word doesn’t even begin to describe it) since February, but just couldn't make the tears come. (Even therapista told me I gotta uncork that shit.) so congratulations on dynamiting that dam for me. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
A thousand hearts and hugs! ~ DD
Aww, DD. I fucking adore you. Always and forever here for you my friend! ♥️
❤️❤️❤️
"If you want to live a miserable life — fall in love with someone that refuses to be with you."
My heart was pounding reading this. Seven years here too, though he wasn't married. But still he couldn't do it, couldn't decide, couldn't commit. I forgive myself and I forgive him. I can't live hating someone I loved so much. I totally get this piece. It's brave to forgive because hating is so much easier I believe.
Ahhh Patty, yes we are so on the same page here. I honestly think because I could tell myself “he’s married, he’s staying for the kid,” etc. it somehow softened the blow. Which if that was softer, phew I don’t know. But the truth was if he had wanted to, or loved me in the way he promised to, he would have done everything he could to be with me. It’s such a hard fucking pill to swallow. I’m sorry you went through that. Now we know not to chase someone who’s not choosing us ♥️
This was a great piece, Candy.
Heartfelt truths.
Thank you, Chris. Grateful to have you here ♥️
Likewise, Candy.
Love you, girl. Mine took a different turn and he was an absolute monster until I finally broke free. Still, I feel this so deeply. So much rings true.
Love you right back! Ahh I hate that you had to deal with that! And also I soooooo relate. Highs were high and the lows, were well … rick bottom.
Absolutely yes. And Fuckface doesn’t get to win. 🥂
Omg, how did I miss this one?
You didn’t! You’re right on time ♥️
I'm so lucky, right? 🫶🫶🫶
This is a heavy situation to be in. I hope you eventually find your happiness, whatever form that may take.
Thank you for the read! 🫵🏼❤️
Thank you my friend ♥️ I appreciate you.
Likewise! 🫵🏼❤️
All of this is so true. Especially, “If you want to live a miserable life — fall in love with someone that refuses to be with you. If you want to never feel good enough — date a married man. If you want to be lonelier than you’ve ever been — be the other woman.” ❤️🩷❤️🩷
I never went down this path, but when the option unexpectedly arose, the decision not to was far more complicated than I had ever expected, and I can’t lay judgment on anybody who chose differently. Ultimately I couldn’t see any way it might turn out without hurting everybody, including myself.
This made me sad in a number of ways. You will find your everything, who knows what that will be.
This is really lovely, and you’re right: it’s never simple.
One of my friends has just ended, (we hope) 7 years of waiting for her married man to choose her. Everyone that knew about it was very quick to blame her - but if you saw the messages coming from the other side it wasn’t as cut and dried as ‘she’s a homewrecker’. She was given a lot of hope to hold onto as well.
I read this with a heavy heart because I’ve been in a similar situation. And after our tumultuous beginnings, after all the smoke cleared, the relationship was doomed. You never stop thinking, if they did it before, why wouldn’t they do it again.🫣 Sometimes when we are so focused on the things we can’t have, we miss or pass up on the things we can have, that are staring us in the face! I hope you find your happiness in whatever capacity that may be!🥲😜🐛