Roommates

Did we just become best friends?

“Are you hungry?”

JC asks as he walks through the back door on his lunch break. I shake my head. He takes a plate of pork chops out of the fridge, holds one up by the bone and waves it at me as if to ask “Are you sure?”

I’m mid workout. I have to do it in the kitchen because it has the most room for activities.

“Please don’t open a can of salmon.” I plead to him.

“I won’t, I have meats!”

He makes himself comfortable at the kitchen island, the same island my laptop is streaming a Tracy Anderson class on. He gnaws at his chop while I bounce around to Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” blasting at full volume. He whistles along.

“I couldn’t write this if I tried.” I yell to him over the music.

“What?” he yells back.

“This. Our life.”

He stares at me blankly.

“Never mind!” I say as I continue to dance for him during the entirety of his lunch break.

Tonight we went out for dinner to catch up before he leaves for Alaska.

JC is my ex-husband slash current roommate.

I thought it might be fun to ask him a few questions when we got home.

“JC, what are you doing?” I call out.

“Pooping!” he responds.

“What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you.” I yell back.

“Come join me. Family poop.” he says.

Disgusted, I answer…

“We should remodel the bathroom to have two toilets that face each other so we can talk and poop at the same time.”

“It’s not for everybody, but it is for us.”

JC responds, while still sitting on the can.

CD: Why do you think everyone likes you more than me?

JC: Cause I’m awesome.

CD: What was your favorite part of dating me?

JC: You would come home from work and I’d get some action.

CD: What is your least favorite part of living with me?

JC: The pestering.

CD: Would you marry me again if I asked you to?

JC: No.

CD: Do you think I’m mean?

JC: Sometimes.

CD: How so?

JC: You like, torment me. You ask me if I love you.

CD: Well, do you love me?

JC: I do love you, as a person.

CD: What would you like my readers to know about you?

JC: Pets usually like me.

CD: What’s your drink of choice?

JC: Anything wet other than Jagermiester or Fireball.

CD: What’s the best movie you’ve ever seen?

JC: I always come back to Step Brothers.

CD: What’s your ideal day look like?

JC: I haven’t found it yet.

CD: If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

JC: Home. That’s a no brainer that one. Traveling sucks.

CD: What would you tell any guy who wants to date me in the future?

JC: Go for it!

CD: Do you have any tips for them?

JC: Good Luck.

CD: Anything else?

JC: Stay clear.

CD: Rude.

CD: Do you think you’ll ever get over me.

JC: I’m pretty over.

CD: What was the best part of our wedding?

JC: When it was all done. The walk to the bar after.

CD: I got a piggy back ride there, not from you.

JC: Hahaha, George?

CD: What would you say to the people that think we should just stay together?

JC: Why?

CD: Because we get along well enough to live together.

JC: That’s all you need?

CD: What do you need for a healthy relationship?

JC: Beer.

CD: Jesus JC. For real though.

JC: No yelling, no confrontations, and lots of BJs. Which we’re missing. You already owe me four.

CD: I will never make good on those.

CD: What’s your favorite part of living with me?

JC: Food. Breakfast leftovers.

CD: Don’t you enjoy my company?

JC: Ya. You’re entertaining.

CD: I would like a gift, where are you going to get it?

JC: The gas station.

CD: Is it wine?

JC: Probably.

CD: Can you go get it now?

JC: No.

CD: Do you love the dog more than me?

JC: There are different loves, dog love.

CD: Do you think I am going to be single forever?

JC: You? No! You’re charming, you’ll find a guy who likes your ‘tude. You’re good at schmoozing. I’ll probably be single forever.

CD: Do you wanna just stay together.

JC: It’s not entertaining if I say yes. I’m not caving in yet.

CD: So you’re saying there’s a chance.